A few faith-based funnies
Posted by Anne Witton on Thursday, June 13, 2019 Under: Random stuff
A minister decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The minister knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back:
Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me."
The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the minister’s message was another scripture passage.
It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.”
—-
As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.”
—-
Q - Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A - They were using fowl language.
A - They were using fowl language.
—-
Q - Why do pastors in Germany have sharp teeth?
A - Because they’re German Shepherds.
A - Because they’re German Shepherds.
—-
If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.
—-
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!”
—-
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate £10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
—-
One Saturday the vicar's 5 year old daughter complained of a stomach ache to her mother. Her mother replied, "That's because you have an empty stomach. You need to feed it with something."
The next day her father sat down after a long sermon and complained of a headache. His daughter replied, "That's because you have nothing in your head you need to feed it with something.”
—-
A man travelled to London for the first time to visit one of his relatives who welcomed him and invited him to a church service the following day. The man had never been to a church. During the service, the leader requested the visitors to stand up and he stood. After mentioning his name and where he came from, the leader asked him whether he knows Jesus and he replied, “I’m new here. I don’t know anyone yet!”
—-
A pastor was walking through the church and spotted young Billy fixated on the back wall.
Pastor: “What are you looking at, Billy?”
Billy: “Pastor, why are there names on all these bricks?”
Pastor (solemnly): “Those are the names of people who have died in service”
Billy: “Oh... Was that the morning or evening service?
—-
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beaten. You remember how mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon afterwards, mum sent out her letters of thanks, "Steve," she wrote to one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Mark," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest John," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
—-
A visiting youth worker asks little Jake during the RE class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Jake replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The youth worker, taken aback by Jake's lack of basic Bible knowledge mentions the incident to the school teacher. The teacher replies, "I know Little Jake as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Jake said that he didn’t do it, then I’m satisfied it’s the truth." Even more appalled, the youth worker goes to the Head and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the flippin’ wall!"
In : Random stuff
Tags: funny humour joke
