This post is based on a talk I gave to a group of university students
Today I want to think about about giving and receiving love – how we communicate to other people that we care about them. I’m not talking about romantic love, but more about how we express love in friendships and family relationships.
It’s important to speak the same language to communicate. Have you ever had a ‘lost in translation’ moment? My brother once lived in Vietnam in a block of apartments with lots of other teachers from England. One of them would say ‘good morning’ to the security guard every day, only to be met with a bemused look and stifled giggle. She didn’t realise until a year later that she was actually saying ‘I don’t wash’. She thought she was communicating one thing, but he was receiving something very different!
When it comes to expressing our care, concern and love for other people, we communicate in different ways so it’s important to understand how we give and receive love.
Who’s heard of the 5 love languages? They’re ways that each of us prefer to give and receive love. Understanding them can help us build deeper relationships and connect better with others. So what are they?
- Physical touch – appropriate physical touch and closeness. Things like hugs or a back rub. Putting your arm around someone.
- Quality time – giving someone undivided attention, when we’re not distracted by phones or anything else. Time spent doing a shared activity or hobby. Uninterrupted time spent just in each other’s company. Listening and understanding.
- Words of affirmation – encouraging someone with your words. A text or uplifting note out of the blue. Complimenting and praising people. Telling others what we appreciate about them.
- Acts of service – putting love into action in various ways. Giving practical help to people. Collaborating on a task or running an errand for someone. Doing something you don’t particularly enjoy to help another.
- Receiving gifts – a heartfelt gift that communicates care. Something that you know someone will really like and demonstrates how well you know them. Something that shows you were thinking about them when they weren’t there. Maybe something homemade.
There’s a quiz online that you can do to find out your top love languages. My top one is physical touch. The next two are quality time and words of affirmation. I’m not as bothered about gifts (although I’m never going to say no to a present, especially if it’s a book!). But for some people, a thoughtful gift might be the thing that makes them feel most loved. For others it will be someone coming round to mow the lawn or pick up some shopping. We’re all different.
I wonder if you’ve ever had a ‘lost in translation’ moment when it comes to love languages. I know I have. My gran once knitted me some orange bed socks with pom poms for uni. It was a beautiful expression of her love for me, but I didn’t appreciate them and was really embarrassed of them so didn’t receive them in the way that was intended.
Family and cultural influences can shape how we communicate love. Some parents never say ‘I love you’ but show their love in other ways like exciting days out or investing in education,. But perhaps the child would receive love more easily if they’re given cuddles and hear affirming words from their parents. I we want people to know that we love them, we need to choose the right way to express it.
What about the people in your life? Think about your best friends or your family. What are the most effective ways that you can communicate to them how much you care for them?
Often it’s a combination. We need to have integrity and make sure our words and actions add up. Saying ‘I love you’ to someone is undermined if we’re constantly distracted when we’re with them or don’t help them when they’re in need. We need to show that we mean what we say by what we do. I came across this quote from the writer Richelle E. Goodrich which I thought was interesting:
I hope you know I love you, not just because I tell you so at every opportunity, but because I show you so as often as the sun sets.
In the Bible there’s a book written by a guy called James and I love it because it’s really practical. A lot of it is about putting faith into action. His point is that if you really believe something, then you’ll act on it. So, for example if I say – “I really believe that bridge is strong and will hold my weight”, but I refuse to go across it, my actions betray the fact that I don’t really believe it.
I think the same point can be made about love. If we say we love someone but act like we don’t, then the reality is that we don’t really love that person. James puts it like this:
Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? (James 2: 15-16)
So, to sum up. There are different ways of expressing care for our friends and family. Each person will find some naturally communicate love to them better than others, but a combination of words and action can show that we really mean it when we say to someone ‘I love you.”
Questions for discussion
- Which love language(s) do you think most communicates love to you?
- Have you ever had any ‘lost in translation’ moments when you’ve tried to express love to someone or when they’ve tried to express love to you?
- Do you think family upbringing has any influence on how we give and receive love? How do people in your family show love to each other?
- Does the culture around us affect how we express love? Are you ‘typical’ of your culture?
- “I hope you know I love you, not just because I tell you so at every opportunity, but because I show you so as often as the sun sets.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich
How can we show others that we love them as well as just saying it? - Think about someone you care about. How can you demonstrate love to them this week in a way that might be most meaningful for them?
If you want to find out your top love languages, you can take the test here.
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